Choices
by Koalagriton
Summary: Leo/April 2003. As April's marriage crumbles, she clings to the one who's stayed by her side the entire time. Written for the tmnt-flashfic monthly challenge. Prompt: Regrets


"Again," Leonardo ordered and April fell back into the starting stance of the kata, moving fluidy through the first few paces until she hesitated. "Stop," he said and patiently walked up to her until he was standing behind her. His gentle hands moved her limbs: raising an elbow, correcting the angle of her fist, turning her body slightly. Leo's foot nudged the inside of hers until they were further apart and he was satisfied with the positioning.

"Continue slowly," he practically whispered to her.

Leonardo never raised his voice when he was leading her training, not even when they were at the dojo in the lair. It was a voice he only used when they were alone, something that was happening more often lately, and nothing like the authoritative barks he used with his brothers.

Master Splinter used to be the one to visit her twice a week for her martial arts lessons. She would be careful to have the furniture already out of the way in the living room though they usually shared a cup of tea and conversation before starting, but he was getting old and frail and she didn't want him helping her move the bulky pieces and risking injury.

It had been a couple months since he'd been able to leave the lair at all, much less make the effort of training her. Donatello had told her his health was delicate and April had believed that would be the end of her lessons unless she joined a martial arts academy and paid for them but the following day Leonardo had shown up and had taken Master Splinter's place ever since.

She didn't ask about it specifically but she assumed he hadn't just taken his place with her training. Leo had changed a lot in the past couple months. He'd always been the most serious and responsible of his brothers even though he still had a playful side he'd show on occasion but now April couldn't remember the last time she'd seen him smile.

She moved her body slowly, carefully going through the motions she'd been practicing all evening, Leonardo guiding her with soft touches as he moved along with her. When his calloused hand fell on her hip to accentuate a turn and brushed her bare skin above the waistband of her leggings she tried not to react. The skin on her arms broke out in goosebumps and she hoped he wouldn't notice.

 _Did he touch his brothers like this when he trained them?_ She wondered, but with her attention scattered she faltered the next step and then forgot how to continue. April closed her eyes waiting for Leonardo to lecture her about her lack in focus but the words never came.

Leonardo stepped away from her and sighed. "Let's take a break," he said as he walked over to the coffee table in the corner and picked up the water bottle April had brought for him when he arrived.

Lessons were very different than they used to be. Leonardo wouldn't have tea and chat with her, she always offered him something to drink when he arrived and he always just asked for water and got straight to business. April missed Master Splinter, having someone to talk to openly about her life and even getting advice on occasion.

It wasn't that they didn't speak. Once their session was over they'd usually share light conversation. He would politely ask her how she was doing and how Casey was doing but they weren't sincere questions. Today he also politely ignored the smashed chairs she hadn't had time to take down to the dumpster and the broken dishes and glasses she'd only just finished sweeping up along with what was left of dinner in the kitchen after Casey had stormed out.

The truth was April didn't really know what she would have said if Leonardo had questioned her about it. Maybe she even preferred it to be this way. She could pretend for a few hours that everything was fine and just share his serene company, sap a little of that calm strength he exuded that would help her get through the next few days until she could see him again.

There was also the fact that Casey was their friend too, they didn't have that many, and she didn't really want to put them in the middle of the mess that their relationship was becoming. It was possible that her husband had been talking to Raph about her and the information had leaked back to the rest of the turtles anyway but they never commented anything and she didn't talk about it either on the rare occasions she saw them. April was sort of terrified of making them pick sides, uncertain if she would be left out now that she needed them the most. She didn't know what she would do if Leonardo stopped visiting.

Annoyed at the mental place her thoughts had lead her to, she plucked the bottle from Leo's fingers before he placed it back on the table and took a drink from it herself. Leonardo had always brought with his visits a contagious tranquility, his serene focus soothing her even when she'd felt most agitated but it was the first time Leo's presence hadn't been able to help.

"Are you..." Leonardo started to ask, his eyes darting to the splintered pieces of wood by the door leading to the stairs before settling on her and rephrasing his question. "Did he hurt you?"

April guessed today's signs had been too much to ignore. She wondered if that was the reason why he'd had her go through this particular kata, why his touches had lingered on her more than usual, if he'd been checking for any injuries on his own. She felt disappointed at that possibility. _Did you think there was another reason for him to want to touch you like that?_ She thought to herself and shook her head, at the same time answering Leonardo and trying to change the direction her thoughts were going.

Leonardo only nodded in response and silence returned. April wasn't sure what else to tell him, if she should say anything at all. She really wanted to. April wanted to just spill everything that was inside her, every secret, every regret, and hope that Leonardo would accept them, maybe soothe her somehow in the same way he'd done unknowingly during his visits. But she kept quiet and watched Leonardo as she continued to sip water from the bottle that had just been touching his lips while he stretched and kept looking back at the evidence of her disastrous life, her poor choices.

She shouldn't have married Casey. That was her biggest regret, the reason why she was in the situation she was now, looking to a mutant turtle to relieve some of her burden. _A burden that she created to begin with_. She told herself as she set the bottle down.

Casey hadn't hurt her physically but that wasn't the only way you could hurt someone. She was aching, exhausted, isolated. The only other contact she had now a days was with the clients of her antique's shop and the occasional phone call from Donatello about some project or other. Poor Don, she'd been avoiding him too.

Early on in their marriage they'd argued about how much time she spent with Donatello. She considered him her best friend and they were practically joined at the hip. April had called him insane for being jealous of shy, quiet Donnie. Back then she hadn't ever thought of the turtles _that_ way until Casey told her that Donatello had been in love with her since the day they met and that she owed it to him to to not give him any more false hope and wean him off her now that she was a married woman.

She shouldn't have agreed to do it.

"What happened?" Leonardo asked carefully. It was the first time he'd asked about what was going on between them directly.

April waved her hand, not sure about what to say, where to start. "Same as usual," She ended up saying and was surprised at the knot that had formed in her throat that made her voice sound strained.

She cleared her throat and decided to say something else, not wanting to worry him with her reaction. "Yesterday I went to deliver an item to a regular client who bought a porcelain figurine over the phone and I lost track of time and got home a lot later than I said I would. When I got home we fought about it. He'll probably be away for a few days until things cool down."

Leonardo blinked and looked back at her in confusion. She had to agree with him, it had been a really small and silly reason for such a huge blow-up but there was so much more behind it. There were so many other things that they'd thrown at each other (verbally, only Casey would do it literally), so many past insecurities brought up with that one incident. It was the way arguments went with them now, every little thing was a reason to revive a huge fight with all of their old resentments they'd been storing until the next argument.

Casey just didn't fulfill her in some aspects (or many) the way she needed. They were much too different, one of their only points in common was being friends with the turtles. Being able to not hide her mutant family was important, she didn't doubt it. But it wasn't enough. Their conversations were limited and she found the need to look to others for intelectual stimulation. Donatello had been her source previously and now that she couldn't go to him any longer she had to find other ways.

"Does he always get angry when you talk to or see other people?" Leonardo asked after thinking about April's words for a moment.

"Yes. No… It's not just about that. It's... complicated." She didn't know how to explain this mess. April rubbed her temple, the beginning of a headache was starting to bother her.

It wasn't just that Casey was now jealous of everyone she had a conversation with but he was hurting too because he felt that he should be able to take part in such a basic aspect of her life. He felt she was blocking him out and was being undervalued by her. Maybe he was right but every time they spoke now it only lead another fight, to him getting violent with the furniture, the tableware or with the van and then leaving her for a few nights.

She supposed he did it to cool down or because he also felt guilty about his actions and didn't know how to face her afterwards. He'd always return but his absences were getting longer and she didn't ask him where he'd been any more or help him clean up his cuts and bruises just to avoid the possibility of starting another argument.

April tried to keep talking but the knot had only become larger and she was now rubbing her brow with her fingers repetitively as she tried to hide the way she had to blink away the wetness from her eyes and concentrate on keeping her mouth from trembling. This was old news, she shouldn't be reacting like this now. She didn't cry when it had happened, she'd felt rather numb and used to it by now but why was she getting so emotional as she tried to explain it in front of Leonardo?

Sensing her distress, Leonardo stepped closer to her and took her hand from where it was rubbing against her skin and leaving a red mark. "Is that why you stopped coming to the lair or calling Donnie?"

April nodded mutely. Now without her hand shielding her from Leonardo's scrutiny she had no way to hide the emotions on her face from him. He solved that for her when he drew April to him, pulling on her captured hand until she was enveloped in a tight embrace.

"You can walk away from it all." Leonardo whispered into her hair.

April had curled around him, letting him take some of her weight (both emotional and physical) as she tried to get a hold of herself. He was still a little shorter than her but tall enough that his chin rested on her shoulder. Leonardo's words made her will break and she let the tears spill and trail down her cheeks as she ducked and turned her head into his neck.

"Come back with me to the lair," Leonardo kept speaking and now he was shaking a little. April could feel the tremor in his arms as she held onto him. "Close the shop for a time and forget about… this."

April filled in the last word Leo had hesitated on: forget about _him_ , he'd meant to say, and: come back with _me_ , he'd said and not " _us_ ". She leaned away from him without letting go, needing to see his face to understand what he meant, if she was imagining things, if it was only her mind telling her what she wanted to hear. They were words she'd fantasized about alone in her room in a cold bed as she wished she'd had the guts to tell him what was going on, what was in her heart.

It was true that things with Casey were in a terrible place right now but her feelings had started shifting. She didn't think she'd even consider running away like this with him if they weren't. Her thoughts frightened her a little.

April couldn't even be certain that her feelings were genuine, there was a possibility that she'd just clung to her last support and focused everything on him in her despair. Right now, as she held onto Leonardo the only thing she knew for certain was that she needed him. She wanted to feel loved so badly after feeling only resentment and guilt that she couldn't let go.

Leonardo looked back at her with pleading eyes, his emotions playing out plainly on his features instead of his usual guarded, tranquil expression. April could read the fear on his face, the faint blush on his cheeks, but most of all she could see love there as he brushed the wetness off a cheek with the back of his fingers. She tilted her head down and leaned back into him, her nose almost touching his snout and feeling the way his breathing sped up at her proximity. When he didn't move away she pressed her lips against his briefly and then leaned back again slightly to give him a chance to walk away.

Leonardo was panting now, his chest heaving as he regarded her with something akin to wonder before cupping the back of her head and pulling her back down to him. April moaned against his mouth as he devoured her, pouring all his passion into the kiss that she drank greedily.

 _How long had it been since a kiss managed to make her insides twist with desire?_ She wondered as she melted into him.

The sound of a car stopping in the street in front of the shop had April separating from the kiss and turning her head to listen. After a minute, they heard two female voices and then the car drove away. False alarm.

"Leave him," Leonardo begged as he nuzzled the side of her jaw. "You don't owe him anything."

"I can't run away from this," April answered and Leonardo's grip around her loosened. "I need some time to do things right."

Leonardo shook his head. "What if he hurts you?"

"You know him better than that, he wouldn't," April said simply as she pulled away from him, missing his touch as soon as she did. She'd felt safer and bolder in his arms and wished she could stay there but there was a chance Casey would be returning any time now and she didn't want him to catch them like this.

"He's changed," Leonardo argued. "I didn't think he was capable of doing any of the things he's done to you."

"I'll be okay." She told him and then repeated it again more for herself than for him.

April considered thanking Leo as she saw him off but ended up doing it with another lingering kiss instead of words before he climbed down the fire escape. Leonardo had shown her there was still something to fight for in the darkness that she felt surrounded by, there was hope and love waiting for her and all she had to do was grasp it.

She wasn't sure what she would do now, if this was just a passing thing or something more significant but for the first time in a long time she felt as if it was worth the risk to find out. _She could do this._ April sighed without feeling any of her previous sadness and closed the window, ready to clean up the broken bits of her furniture and take back control of her life.

April had many regrets. She'd made many choices she wished she would have done differently but all she could do was try to make better ones from now on.


End file.
